As you've probably noticed, I've been using guest post frequently this week, and today's post is why. It has taken hours for these thoughts to really come together. This subject can seemingly NEVER be given justice, but I just had to tell you about just how active the Holy Spirit has been in my life over the past 3+ years! He is awesome!
Tomorrow, October 15th, is a very special day for our family! We are honoring one of our family members! It's no one's birthday or anniversary! We are not celebrating any special milestones or developments. Tomorrow is...the National Day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss. Though tempted to mourn all over again, this day is actually to celebrate our sixth family member! Wesley and I proudly acknowledge that we have four children, and we love sharing with our children that they have another sibling. So, before you read too much into this post, please realize that this is the day we honor and remember our little Noah, however, the lesson(s) that God has taught us through this loss will last us a lifetime and have made us better people. It is only because of God that I have coped and can talk so openly about this event in my life. I want to share the beauty found in the BIGGEST mess of my life!
If Noah were here with us, we would be getting ready to celebrate his 3rd birthday in November. (By the way, if any of you beat me or Wesley to heaven and find out that our "Noah" is a girl, please tell her that her Mommy liked the name Norah as well, so she can just add an "r"!) He is our second child, joining Nate as a middle child! Just five short weeks after conception, Noah joined the choir; heaven's choir! I'm very proud of him, always singing and praising, ETERNALLY! I'm sure his voice is amazing, like his daddy's (heavenly and earthly)! I was a little late on getting to the doctor to hear that sweet heartbeat, so by week 12 of my pregnancy, I was way too late! I can't go back and change a single thing, so I try not to dwell on the "what if's", but I was very distraught that day and in the months to follow! The pages of my journal in those days and months are filled with bitterness, confusion, and weakened faith! It pains me sometimes to even go back and read the words, yet I do because the hurt was real, and intense! I also like to have a real example of just how far God has brought me; how He has healed me. Many of you may know this similar pain; while others of you don't, and that's great! I don't wish this pain on anyone! No funeral for closure, or photographs to recall a sweet face. Just bad memories of a cold examining room and the ceiling I stared at as I tried to hold the river of tears from bursting out of my eyes! I couldn't even bring myself to look in the eyes of my amazing husband; we just sat in the room in silence when the news broke. The following days did nothing but aid in my bitterness; an absolutely horrible experience in the hospital during and after surgery, followup appointments, and a body that would rather hemorrhage to death, than heal. As if the emotional healing wasn't difficult enough, my body would not cooperate for physical healing! Markedly, some of the worst days of my life.
I.
Was.
A.
Mess.
I covered my emotions well, with a fake smile and empty words that would make everyone think I was okay! I didn't know which was worse; staying away from people altogether, or immersing myself in crowds of people who just didn't have the right words of comfort for me! I had so much love and support, but sadly I didn't want to hear anybody's words. I felt as if they didn't understand AT ALL, so why even try to give me encouragement?
It's such a hard place to find yourself.
The following months were supposed to help me heal, but instead I found myself getting worse. My body finally healed a bit, but every time I saw a pregnant belly, it ripped the scab from the emotional wounds within. It was only magnified when the pregnant bellies belonged to unwed mothers, uncaring mothers, and teen mothers. I cringe to say it now; but I developed a hatred toward the unsuspecting people.
How was any of this fair?
I look back to these moments often in my life, just so I can really get a grasp on how far God has brought me and just how much I have healed. The culmination of events, people, jobs, and God's calling/direction continue to help me heal, and turn my mess into something beautiful. It has taken time, but God has granted it! It has taken many people to pour wisdom into me, but God has ordained that my path cross with these wise folks(which are sometimes even my children!). It has taken further circumstances to stretch my faith and trust, but God has provided the opportunities. To put it simply; I have healed because I have allowed Jesus to still be my teacher! ALL BECAUSE OF HIM! I left it in His hands; His most-capable hands, and He hasn't forsaken me yet! I never wanted to be the woman who wore my miscarriage as a badge of honor and drug it around with me like a ball and chain, using it as an excuse for everything in my life; nor did I want to be the woman that forgot it ever happened, suppressed it, and just moved on. Sometimes finding middle ground is a good thing; and it has proved to be for me! I can't explain a particular moment in time that signified my healing from this tragedy, it's just been slow and steady.
My wonderful husband was the first to help. He didn't just allow me the time to be emotionally crazy, he also joined in the crazy with me. We grieved together. I can't tell you how important that was to me. My children were next to aid in healing; all they had to do was show up! Getting my last two here on this earth was scary after the miscarriage, but God allowed us this privilege. On my worst days, their round little faces help heal me! Working our job at the Home for Children somehow brought healing as well. Taking care of the "unwanted" or "damaged" children, literally began giving me compassion once again for the people I had developed a hatred for. Compassion now overwhelms me for parents who can't, or don't want to care for their children. They too, are in need and in search for a higher power. Simply put, they need God just as much as the next person, and someone needs to reach out to them. A healing class offered at church, was my next hand extended for rescue. In brief, a lot more of me needed to be "healed" than just my miscarriage issues. I surrendered EVERYTHING to Him, and found healing for every area of my life! It was ALL GOD! And now, God has called me in the direction to work with pregnant ladies! WHAT??? Yep, you read correctly. God took all that hatred for these certain people and turned it into a very strong compassion for these ladies! I love seeing pregnant bellies now! That means there is life within! These pregnant women, whether battered or not, need love and the hope to be shown a better way of life for themselves and their little one(s) to come. Could it be that they need healing as well? Who are we kidding, this world is in need of healing, and there is only one answer; ALL GOD!
I look forward to my future in nursing, and helping life come into this world! And when there are those who aren't as fortunate, as in my case, I want to grieve with these parents. Each day that I accept and claim this healing over my life, God gives me another glimpse of where he wants to take me with this new passion for Him and others!
Talk about a "beautiful mess"!
I'm a firm believer that YOUR MESSAGE comes from YOUR MESS! So, look at the messes you're in or have made it through, and let God direct you in making a message out if it! That's the beauty of it all!
I'm a firm believer that YOUR MESSAGE comes from YOUR MESS! So, look at the messes you're in or have made it through, and let God direct you in making a message out if it! That's the beauty of it all!
It's ALL GOD!
“Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open.”
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